For those of a certain age this is not the introduction to that radio programme Listen with Mother from a time so long ago I will not admit to having remembered! In this case it refers to an old garden bench here at WMD HQ that is about 33 years old which you would not be comfortable sat on in the state it is in the pictures!
To be fair it looks 33 years old and apart from slapping the odd coat of varnish on the wooden bits every now and again it has perhaps not received the care that it should have. Mrs W was of the view that it should go but I had other ideas! You can't simply throw something away on the basis that its a bit old and looking worse for wear otherwise I would have been on the scrap heap years ago!
The bench had a positive lean to it and the varnish was peeling. The main issue was that the wooden slats had rotted where the bolt goes through to fasten each slat to the cast iron metal frame. The frames themselves were fine - no corrosion and probably cast from metal previously used in a tank or warship so likely to outlast me! My plan of action was to shorten the slats by about an inch and a half, approximately 40cm for metric users, at each end which would cut the rot out, drill new holes for the bolts and strip and re-varnish. Well I had to pick the warmest day of the year to do this task! However it was pleasant in the garden and some of the activities were carried out in the shade.
First job was to remove the slats from the cast metal sides. Luckily I had greased the bolts years ago so there were no incidents where the swear jar was needed! Next up was to strip the old varnish. There are all sorts of ways to do this including varnish stripper and sanding. Both get the job done but being me I went for the more unconventional approach - the electric plane! My theory was that if I set the plane on its lowest setting it would strip the old varnish and leave a smooth surface to the slats - cunning! For once, unlike Wylie Coyote from the Road Runner cartoon, my cunning plan worked! About 25 minutes saw the 12 slats stripped and where there was some varnish left a few minutes with an electric sander sorted that out! Working smarter not harder as I get older! On examination there were a couple of spots of wood rot in other areas on three slats and ideally all the slats could do with replacement. Given the difficulty in getting hold of decent wood at the moment due to covid and the high demand from house builders I decided to leave replacement until another year.
Next up was the use of one of my best buy tools, the miter chop saw. Guaranteed 90 degree cuts even with me using it. Some careful measurement of each slat ensured that all 12 were the same length when I finished - Result!
Drilling the bolt holes followed on. Here my Working smarter not harder philosophy came into play again as I made a drilling templet from a scrap piece of wood to ensure all the holes were going to be in the same place and more importantly allow the slat to be bolted to the bench.
First hole was a pilot hole. As the bolts are recessed into the slats a flat 16mm drill bit was used to sink a recess into the wood before drilling the final hole for the bolt.
It was then time for varnishing. Search the WMD HQ garage or as it is better known, The Room of Doom, I found a half full tin of exterior varnish. Several coats of this was sucked up by the wood as though it was thirsty for some liquid! I left them to dry over night and then gave them a final coat with the remains of the varnish this morning.
This evening the kit of parts shown above was bolted back together with some new bolts from Wickes. I found their 40mm roofing bolts just what I needed. A spot of grease was put on the bolts before the nut was fastened so hopefully they will come apart again in the future without any swear jar requirements!
Once complete the bench was moved to outside my man cave other wise known as The Room of Gloom where it was tested and provided a solid seat - I was indeed sitting comfortably! Even Mrs W approves!
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